(I've only just posted a draft tonight dated back in May of this year - apologies for that too, it should've been posted ages ago!)
I really can’t believe that it’s 6 months since I wrote on my blog page. The time has gone by so quickly. So much has happened in my life in the last few months, it is just mind-boggling – and unfortunately, not in a good way for me personally.
Since Catherine was killed in that awful crash just over 3 years ago, I spent a lot of my “thinking & memory” time wishing I could be with her, forever.
At the same time, I had to remember that I had 2 other older children that still needed me. I was torn between the 2 options, while quietly acknowledging that I had to stay here on earth, in life, for as long as possible, to make sure Liam & Mary would be safe, well and happy in their lives.
There is still a part of me that always wants to be with Catherine, but this is all out of my control, and in the hands of God.
I have now been put to the challenge of LIVING. I’ve realised suddenly and shockingly, that for whatever reason(s), I want to live after all. Not just for my children but for me, too.
I’m not finished here in life. There are still things that I’ve left undone, things still to do.
I have to fight for my life now, but I can still hope to “finish” those things, before God gets his way.
You’ll see below an email I sent to friends & acquaintances a little earlier on tonight. After reading it, then you will understand my “ravings”.
I miss my Catherine terribly, but I don’t think she’d be very happy with me if I didn’t stay POSITIVE. So I’ll have to fight on.
Here’s the copy of my earlier email:
Hi There,
I’ll try and keep this email as short as possible, so as not to bore any of you too much.
There are a few of my friends, acquaintances etc. that I haven’t had a chance to contact recently to bring them up to date with events with me, over the last 8 months … so I’ll keep this as brief as I can, OK?
Now, where do I start? Ok, here goes. As you will know, I have moved from Powerscourt to a Respond Housing Association house in Killure Manor, which I’m really delighted with.
Unfortunately since the move to my lovely “new” house, I’ve been very unwell.
It all started with the flu/chest infection back in February, when all the rest of the country were suffering the same thing – only mine didn’t go away. After 2 unsuccessful courses of antibiotics, the “symptoms” still hadn’t gone, and the doctor sent me for a chest X-Ray. I didn’t think too much about it, just a “routine” check.
Ten days later, I got a letter from Ardkeen for me to go for a CT Scan … I knew then that something was wrong. The week or so that passed before the CT Scan was the week I really freaked out – literally. I’ve been fairly calm since.
Well, the day I had the Scan (I’m cutting a long story short here), I was kept in, and 2 days later my gut feeling was confirmed … I had cancer.
I have it in 3 places, beginning with a tumour in my lung, which is responsible for a large mass of lymph nodes on either side of my heart, behind my breastbone, and another bit in my neck.
And so, my fight has begun in earnest with chemo first, then when that’s done there’ll be radiotherapy. After that, God knows.
(Just to confound things…. While I was in for my 2nd round of chemo, it was delayed because of infection complications, and then I had a small stroke, which really put the cat among the pigeons. So I because of all that, I’ve only just had my 2nd round last week – a delay of nearly 21 days).
Hopefully, I can keep up my “positive” attitude when I say to people that “they’re not gonna get rid of me that easily!”
I just hope that my friends, acquaintances etc can say a quiet prayer now and then that I can get through this and keep positive too.
Best wishes to all.
Helane.
Since Catherine was killed in that awful crash just over 3 years ago, I spent a lot of my “thinking & memory” time wishing I could be with her, forever.
At the same time, I had to remember that I had 2 other older children that still needed me. I was torn between the 2 options, while quietly acknowledging that I had to stay here on earth, in life, for as long as possible, to make sure Liam & Mary would be safe, well and happy in their lives.
There is still a part of me that always wants to be with Catherine, but this is all out of my control, and in the hands of God.
I have now been put to the challenge of LIVING. I’ve realised suddenly and shockingly, that for whatever reason(s), I want to live after all. Not just for my children but for me, too.
I’m not finished here in life. There are still things that I’ve left undone, things still to do.
I have to fight for my life now, but I can still hope to “finish” those things, before God gets his way.
You’ll see below an email I sent to friends & acquaintances a little earlier on tonight. After reading it, then you will understand my “ravings”.
I miss my Catherine terribly, but I don’t think she’d be very happy with me if I didn’t stay POSITIVE. So I’ll have to fight on.
Here’s the copy of my earlier email:
Hi There,
I’ll try and keep this email as short as possible, so as not to bore any of you too much.
There are a few of my friends, acquaintances etc. that I haven’t had a chance to contact recently to bring them up to date with events with me, over the last 8 months … so I’ll keep this as brief as I can, OK?
Now, where do I start? Ok, here goes. As you will know, I have moved from Powerscourt to a Respond Housing Association house in Killure Manor, which I’m really delighted with.
Unfortunately since the move to my lovely “new” house, I’ve been very unwell.
It all started with the flu/chest infection back in February, when all the rest of the country were suffering the same thing – only mine didn’t go away. After 2 unsuccessful courses of antibiotics, the “symptoms” still hadn’t gone, and the doctor sent me for a chest X-Ray. I didn’t think too much about it, just a “routine” check.
Ten days later, I got a letter from Ardkeen for me to go for a CT Scan … I knew then that something was wrong. The week or so that passed before the CT Scan was the week I really freaked out – literally. I’ve been fairly calm since.
Well, the day I had the Scan (I’m cutting a long story short here), I was kept in, and 2 days later my gut feeling was confirmed … I had cancer.
I have it in 3 places, beginning with a tumour in my lung, which is responsible for a large mass of lymph nodes on either side of my heart, behind my breastbone, and another bit in my neck.
And so, my fight has begun in earnest with chemo first, then when that’s done there’ll be radiotherapy. After that, God knows.
(Just to confound things…. While I was in for my 2nd round of chemo, it was delayed because of infection complications, and then I had a small stroke, which really put the cat among the pigeons. So I because of all that, I’ve only just had my 2nd round last week – a delay of nearly 21 days).
Hopefully, I can keep up my “positive” attitude when I say to people that “they’re not gonna get rid of me that easily!”
I just hope that my friends, acquaintances etc can say a quiet prayer now and then that I can get through this and keep positive too.
Best wishes to all.
Helane.
__________________________
I’m sure Catherine would be very upset with me to say the very least, if I were to “Give Up” – and I have no intention now, of doing that. She would want me to be my usual self – “a fighter”.
I don’t know if any of what I’ve said has made the slightest bit of sense, but I’m sure there’s someone out there who’ll be able to unravel it!!
Talk again soon, OK.
I don’t know if any of what I’ve said has made the slightest bit of sense, but I’m sure there’s someone out there who’ll be able to unravel it!!
Talk again soon, OK.
Catherine's Mum
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