Health Update

I really hope I didn't bore you all with my recent "litanny".

I wasn't feeling so sure of things and just felt that posting it all to my blog would help to "lighten the load" I suppose.

So much happens in such quick succession to lots of people - not just me - it's very hard to keep picking yourself up and dusting yourself down the whole time - and keep on going. The "pilot light" is bound to fizzle out eventually.

I think my "pilot light" went out the day that Catherine was killed. It was the final blow - after so many that came before.

And I'm convinced that all the stress and then the terrible grief for my daughter, is responsible for the cancer that crept up on me so quickly and sneaky.

I've just completed the 3rd of 4 cycles of chemo. (It's a 3-day stay in hospital every 21 days). On my 2nd day (last Saturday), I got the unbelievable but much welcome news that the primary tumour in my lung has dissolved and that a CT Scan will confirm (or otherwise) that the mass behind the breastbone, has followed suit.

When the chemo is over, then I have to have radiotherapy - this is something else that I know very little about, but will have to learn as I go.

All the prayers, good wishes and thoughts from so many friends, acquaintances, family, and people I haven't even met, have helped me so much.

Catherine's influence over this turn of events is overwhelmingly evident to me, because of all the beautiful butterflies that have been surrounding me. Twice in one day, a butterfly literally circled me as I was about to get in to my friend's car, and I'm never, ever short of beautiful butterflies to marvel at - no matter where I go. I still think she'd want me to be the "fighter".

And Catherine is so persuasive in the loveliest way, that God couldn't possibly turn a deaf ear to her. She can be very persistent too!

"I’m sure Catherine would be very upset with me to say the very least, if I were to “Give Up” – and I have no intention now, of doing that. She would want me to be my usual self – “a fighter”."

That is what I said on my last page, and now that I've been given that "reprieve" I just hope I'll be able to regain some strength and energy to do whatever needs to be done.

I've been rambling on here - not making very much sense again. Random thoughts ending up in print.

I will be re-united with my darling Catherine,
but not just yet.

Goodnight everyone.

Catherine's Mum.

Apologies for my "absence"...

(I've only just posted a draft tonight dated back in May of this year - apologies for that too, it should've been posted ages ago!)

I really can’t believe that it’s 6 months since I wrote on my blog page. The time has gone by so quickly. So much has happened in my life in the last few months, it is just mind-boggling – and unfortunately, not in a good way for me personally.

Since Catherine was killed in that awful crash just over 3 years ago, I spent a lot of my “thinking & memory” time wishing I could be with her, forever.

At the same time, I had to remember that I had 2 other older children that still needed me. I was torn between the 2 options, while quietly acknowledging that I had to stay here on earth, in life, for as long as possible, to make sure Liam & Mary would be safe, well and happy in their lives.

There is still a part of me that always wants to be with Catherine, but this is all out of my control, and in the hands of God.

I have now been put to the challenge of LIVING. I’ve realised suddenly and shockingly, that for whatever reason(s), I want to live after all. Not just for my children but for me, too.

I’m not finished here in life. There are still things that I’ve left undone, things still to do.

I have to fight for my life now, but I can still hope to “finish” those things, before God gets his way.

You’ll see below an email I sent to friends & acquaintances a little earlier on tonight. After reading it, then you will understand my “ravings”.

I miss my Catherine terribly, but I don’t think she’d be very happy with me if I didn’t stay POSITIVE. So I’ll have to fight on.

Here’s the copy of my earlier email:

Hi There,

I’ll try and keep this email as short as possible, so as not to bore any of you too much.

There are a few of my friends, acquaintances etc. that I haven’t had a chance to contact recently to bring them up to date with events with me, over the last 8 months … so I’ll keep this as brief as I can, OK?

Now, where do I start? Ok, here goes. As you will know, I have moved from Powerscourt to a Respond Housing Association house in Killure Manor, which I’m really delighted with.

Unfortunately since the move to my lovely “new” house, I’ve been very unwell.

It all started with the flu/chest infection back in February, when all the rest of the country were suffering the same thing – only mine didn’t go away. After 2 unsuccessful courses of antibiotics, the “symptoms” still hadn’t gone, and the doctor sent me for a chest X-Ray. I didn’t think too much about it, just a “routine” check.

Ten days later, I got a letter from Ardkeen for me to go for a CT Scan … I knew then that something was wrong. The week or so that passed before the CT Scan was the week I really freaked out – literally. I’ve been fairly calm since.

Well, the day I had the Scan (I’m cutting a long story short here), I was kept in, and 2 days later my gut feeling was confirmed … I had cancer.

I have it in 3 places, beginning with a tumour in my lung, which is responsible for a large mass of lymph nodes on either side of my heart, behind my breastbone, and another bit in my neck.

And so, my fight has begun in earnest with chemo first, then when that’s done there’ll be radiotherapy. After that, God knows.

(Just to confound things…. While I was in for my 2nd round of chemo, it was delayed because of infection complications, and then I had a small stroke, which really put the cat among the pigeons. So I because of all that, I’ve only just had my 2nd round last week – a delay of nearly 21 days).

Hopefully, I can keep up my “positive” attitude when I say to people that “they’re not gonna get rid of me that easily!”

I just hope that my friends, acquaintances etc can say a quiet prayer now and then that I can get through this and keep positive too.

Best wishes to all.

Helane.

__________________________

I’m sure Catherine would be very upset with me to say the very least, if I were to “Give Up” – and I have no intention now, of doing that. She would want me to be my usual self – “a fighter”.

I don’t know if any of what I’ve said has made the slightest bit of sense, but I’m sure there’s someone out there who’ll be able to unravel it!!

Talk again soon, OK.

Catherine's Mum

The Last Raindrop/Teardrop

I took this picture out in my garden last summer. The plant itself is of the Sedum family (it is meant to attract butterflies)which was given to me by Danielle's mother.

(Danielle was Catherine's friend and a survivor of the crash that killed Catherine.)

When I saw this one lone raindrop left on the leaf, I hurried indoors to get the camera to capture the moment before it was lost.

This one little picture can speak volumes to so many people for so many different reasons: abandonment, loneliness, grief, sadness, and hundreds of other emotions. It evokes a lot of emotion for me because the raindrop is on this particular plant and not just any old plant, and resembles (to me) just one of the many tears that are trapped within me.

It also reminds me so much of a print that my mum bought many, many years ago of an orchid left on the steps of a building where there had been some kind of celebrations. It was left there with all the abandoned streamers etc, with a single tear falling from it.

My mum called it the Lost Orchid although I'm not sure that that was its proper title.

(2008) Another Christmas Without My Catherine

I couldn't let another Christmas go by and see Catherine's grave without a headstone.

A lot of time and planning went it to it, to have it done exactly as I wanted it for her. And also to be sure that all the family would be happy with it, and that Catherine herself would approve.

The heart shape symbolises our love for her, and the huge heart of gold that she had; the butterfly symbolises her wish to "come back" as a butterfly; and the book symbolises her love and talent for writing.

(I tried to take the picture as straight as possible, but had to take it from an angle in my attempt to include as much of the Christmas items as I could - that's why it looks slightly off-level.)

The grave itself could do with a complete "makeover" but unfortunately I've been unable to do very much for the last 4 months or so due to a broken ankle, which still hasn't healed. Hopefully, by the time summer comes along, I should have it looking much better than this. Winter is not the best time to tackle these things - even without a broken ankle.

There would normally be a lot more christmas gifts, flowers and ornaments but because the headstone had just been put in, the surrounding area was disturbed and messed up. Catherine's grave is usually a blaze of colour all year round.

Her headstone was ready just in time for Christmas.

Where My Daughter Was Killed By Drunk & Speeding Jason Burke

Catherine's memorial plaque is mounted on the outside wall of a farm outhouse, just above the wall that the van she was a front seat passenger in, crashed. Catherine took the full impact of that crash. If the stone wall hadn't been there, but just the ditch then she might have had some chance of survival.
Even then, the length of time it would've taken the emergency services to get to the scene of the crash and back to the hospital would've hindered their attempts to save her.

The emergency services had to travel 18 miles to the crash scene and 18 miles back to the hospital - an awful long time in an emergency. My poor child didn't stand a chance.

The leader and members of the Youth Group that Catherine belonged to organised a fundraiser in our community by launching a CD that two of her friends had made in her memory. The song is called Memories of You, and was written and sung by them. The money they raised by the sale of their song helped towards the cost of the plaque. It was a wonderful gesture from her friends, and by doing this they showed their love and loyalty to Catherine.

It made me so very proud.

A video created by Catherine's sister, Mary.

My older daughter Mary, put this video together and dedicated it to Catherine.

The song that plays in the background is called Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls - Catherine's favourite at the time.

We had this song playing as we left the church, taking Catherine to her final resting place.

Every time I hear that song - and Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol - no matter what I'm doing or where I am, I come to a complete standstill and totally crumple up emotionally - not always visible to an onlooker.

All my emotions are locked inside, waiting patiently to erupt.

P.A.L.S.

For those who have only just come across my blog, this introduction may help to bring you up to date on things so far.

As I've said previously, I'm only new to this blogging and still very much a learner. So, as I progress with the "tidying up", I hope I won't confuse too many people.

I do sincerely hope that other parents in the same or similar position, will feel free to write to me and share our experiences.

My youngest child Catherine, was killed in a car crash in July 2006. The driver was drunk and speeding - and has been given the ridiculous sentence of Community Service and a 10 year driving ban.

Catherine and her friend begged the driver to slow down - but he refused and laughed, leading to the crash and the death of my daughter.

She had only just turned 14 years.

An ACCIDENT is something that unfortunately happens, that cannot be avoided. I do not call what happened to Catherine an accident, this crash could have been avoided.

The purpose of my Blog is to highlight the injustice of lenient sentencing in these types of cases and hopefully bring parents together who have had similar experiences - this will explain the title of my blog. My daughter's life was worth so much more than 240 hours community service, and I'm sure I'm not the only mother out there who has been through this turmoil with no justice at the end? I'd really like to hear from anyone who can identify with me on these issues through their own experiences.

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Catherine's Mum